When Mordred faked Arthur's death, and proposed marriage to me, I knew that no good would come of it. So I fled.
I locked myself in the Tower of London and nothing that Mordred could do would persuade me to come out. Those subjects loyal to me provided sustenance and helped to thwart Mordred's attacks.
I wish I could say that it was my undying beauty that made Mordred come after me with such zeal, but we all know that by then my days of youth were waning. No, it was not for fair Guinevere that Mordred lusted, but for Arthur's Queen. To him I was nothing more than another symbol of power. He had a crown, though false, and he had a scepter and a sword, though not Excalibur... to make up for the false crown and inferior blade he needed a powerful wife. Why not go for the most powerful?
I hid from him until Arthur returned, and even then I stayed in the Tower. Dover was miles away on the coast, and on quiet days, I would imagine hearing the clash of swords and cries of battle. In my sleep, I would dream of war and of death. Some of my ladies thought I was going mad. A few peasants came fleeing into London to avoid being recruited or killed by either army. It seems that both Arthur and Mordred had had to roam far and wide to keep their ranks at a suitable number. It was not a good time. Not for me, or for England.
The night before I received news of Arthur's death, I'd had an unsettling dream and to this day I could not tell you what it was, for I do not remember. All I can recall is waking in a cold sweat and feeling as though some part of me had died. One of my ladies in waiting broke the news to me, and I wept harder than I can remember. Few of your modern stories mention that, that I wept for the passing of a great king, a great man, and my husband. Whatever you may think of me, know that I truly wept for the death of Arthur, and for the land of anarchy our kingdom had become.
It took me a few days to pull myself together. I was hearing voices in the wind and seeing people in the shadows.
I thought that I was going mad. I could not stop thinking of all the sin in my life, of all the wrong I had done, and of all the ways that the war, Arthur's death, and the fall of the kingdom was
my fault. No one else's but mine. So I decided that the only way to fix things was to spend the rest of my life repenting.
I went to Amesbury, and the abbey there. I became the abbess, eventually, and to be honest the rest of my life was nothing that you would want to hear about. I spent my days communing with God, and praying for Arthur and the others who had died, and for myself. And Lancelot.
I had no idea what had become of Lancelot, but I found out not too long after Arthur's death. He had heard of where I was. He came to visit me, and I think he had hoped to persuade me back to side. I read your modern tales and they all talk about how I feinted three times when I saw him. I may have been getting on in my years, but I certainly did not feint three times! I am not so faint of heart! But, when I saw him, I stumbled. Twice. And then, yes, I feinted.
After that, we spoke for a time... I wished that he had taken a young wife, and gone off to have more children and live a full and productive life... but he was always such a fool for love... or so he claimed. He told me he'd take up the life of a monk. A simple "if you could do it, I could do it" and "if you suffer, I too will suffer" argument. Stupid git! I both loved him and hated him for it. He tried to kiss me before he left and
oh! I was tempted. To feel his sweet lips was something I had not done in a long, long time... but I had come to the abbey to forsake my sinful ways and had already said goodbye to my life with Lancelot. A reminder such as that would have been too painful a thing. So he left, and I wished with all my might that I would never have to see his face again while I live, because I simply could not bear it. I didn't, and I lived out my days in peace. Years later, on my death bed, I requested that I be laid to rest with Arthur where, as his Queen, I belonged. It seems that it was so, and by Lancelot's doing, if your texts and the peace of my soul are any indication.